So I’m a fan of Greta Christina, as you might have gathered by now. Here she is in an internet radio interview on the Feast of Fools podcast titled Living Outside Religion. Not only did I enjoy the discussion, which ranges from talk of atheism within the queer community and atheism in general to how to interact with sex workers (hint: treat them like human beings) and Greta’s book on the topic, I really liked her voice. This is important for me because I seem to have finicky ears and people’s voices, particularly when recorded, can grate horribly even when I like their ideas and writing. There’s no way I’d be able to sit through some of my favorite podcasts if they were 55 minutes long. But the content of this interview was made all the more enjoyable because I could listen to it without fidgeting.
I’m still here November 23, 2008
I am indeed still here and still working much stuff out, but work, deadlines and life in general have been taking up all my time. I have quite a few bits and pieces so, as a way or sorting through them and getting myself organized and writing on topic, here are some of the things, in no particular order, that I want/plan to write about in the (near) future:
- Further issues with ‘ordering’ in relationships – This time from the practical standpoint. Yes I loathe the terms ‘primary’ and ’secondary’ but I suppose they do have some practical application.
- Living arrangements – What I’ve seen, what I like, what I think I want/could handle, what I couldn’t deal with.
- The mandatory jealousy post – Just about every poly blog seems to have at least one post on jealousy and while I suppose it is something of a cliche, it’s also just plain useful when jealousy does strike to have all these different perspectives, accounts, and advice out there. Given how similar and yet how varied everyone’s experience of jealousy seems to be, I hope my account can in turn help someone else get through their own battle with this particular bugbear.
- Partners’ partners – How close can metamours get? What if you can’t stand each other? Is it important to meet them at all? If so, when? Why? Why not? Does one particular policy tend to work better than another or should it be completely ad hoc? What do/can you expect? What should/shouldn’t you do when you meet? etc.
- Forays into ‘kink’ – Honestly, I don’t know where kinky actually begins and I suspect it’s different for different people. I’m not very easily shocked and I don’t consider most things ‘weird’ anyway, so my world is more divided in to stuff I will do and stuff I won’t, and my willingness or otherwise is decided by how interesting or appealing I find something, not how extreme or challenging or strange it is. I also deliberately didn’t use the term BDSM because it feels far too big and clunky for someone who’s only just taking the tiniest of tiny baby steps into the wonderful world of sadism.
- Sexuality – Specifically, how mine has evolved, how I’ve been growing into it and getting comfortable with expressing it personally, socially and in some instances politically. I’ve begun to see coming out not as the end point or arrival, but the announcement of one’s departure on a kind of expedition into completely uncharted territory. I’m not done exploring yet by any means, but I’ve certainly learnt a lot already.
I think that’s it so far. Hopefully I’ll get at least some of these written before I start adding to the list. Thanks to the people who’ve been stopping by regularly. With more efficient planning, I should be able to offer up some new stuff for you to read soon!
This is not really my issue October 28, 2008
In that I am not an American and do not live in the US, nor plan to, but I did spend a decent amount of time growing up there and I do read a lot of US-based blogs, so I’m not indifferent to it either. The issue in question is Proposition 8, which will be voted on come election day in the US and which, if successful, will effectively dissolve all the same-sex marriages that were made possible only a few months ago in California. In other words, it’s a huge steaming pile of shit that the Right wants to add to all the other shit already piled onto the LGBTQ community. Greta Christina has written about it already, as have others including the lovely, and recently married, Lizzie and Jade, and hippiemeg, but this post at Gone Feral is my favorite so far because it points out just how ridiculous the whole anti-same-sex marriage argument is by pointing out how stupid the institution and the social assumptions that govern it are in the first place. It’s a refreshing read.
Coming Out Interview September 22, 2008
In the comments on my last post, bentcrude asked me to do the interview on her site. I did it, though now I’d like to add a few things to the ‘other words that describe you’ section since Polyamory didn’t get much of a mention. I also don’t know why ‘What did you come out as?’ is repeated or why the second says ‘gay’ since I never said I was no longer interested in guys when I first came out – just that I’d also like to date women. Anyway, I’m sure that’ll get sorted. In the mean time, enjoy reading about all the different experiences on there.
Telling Friends July 8, 2008
I came out as bi and poly to a lovely friend of mine the other day who was great about it. Two things prompted my telling her. One was that it is becoming increasingly difficult not to mention A and M in conversation. They’re important to me and my relationships with them have become a big part of my life, to the extent that it is almost impossible to fill anyone in on what I’ve been ‘up to’ since the last time we met without mentioning them.
The second reason was that a mutual friend tends to frequent a place A and I are often in and around so it’s not impossible that she will see us together at some point. If that happens, I think she would probably get in touch with our friends to tell them or ask them about what was going on, and personally I’d rather my closer friends heard about it from me first. I’d rather short-circuit any gossipy stuff where it matters. I’m not terribly concerned about what she might say to anyone she knows – that’s her prerogative – but people we both know and who matter to me I’m a little more concerned about. Of course I could just tell her, but we’re not close enough and I don’t particularly want to. It’s an effort to bring up the whole poly thing because, in the heads of the majority of the people around us, H and I have been neatly filed away as straight and monogamous for years now and attempting to change that would draw more attention to our relationship with each other than I want. And more than the attention itself, it’s the type of attention that bugs me. It’s the way people ask questions that tells you whether they’re genuinely concerned and interested or just asking because they think you’re a freak – I’ve spent enough time getting the latter for other reasons to know the difference.
So that’s two local friends who know, and a third that I shall tell at the next opportunity. There are one or two other people in particular that I want to tell, but I don’t know when or how. Otherwise, I’m fairly open and visible when I’m out with either M or A in places where acquaintances might spot us. These are not people that I have any kind of investment in so I’m not concerned about what they might think or say, though I’m happy to talk about it if asked. I doubt I will be though. I do still hesitate to refer to either A or M when talking to people I know through work or casually, but then I don’t really mention H either to people I don’t care about to some extent, so while I may feel a twinge or two when I let something particularly relevant slide, it’s not a huge deal.
What I am still worried about – and I’ve mentioned this is previous posts – is one of H’s friends seeing me with M or A as we’re not out to them. My own friends I can deal with. His, I’m not so sure about. I know I’d feel quite defensive and I’d probably be tempted to imply that he wasn’t monogamous either just to make myself look less ‘bad’. Also, I think that in some cases M might be easier for them to handle than the idea of me being with another man because, thanks to what folks have started calling the ‘hot bi babe syndrome’, my bisexuality could be read as being about pleasing H, thereby allowing it to still fit to some degree into the whole heterosexual-men-are-the-center-of-the-universe thing. But there’s no room within that trope for my relationship with A. They couldn’t stick with the idea that I’m doing it ‘for H’ because that would make them question his orientation, which is something most of them would probably prefer only slightly to chewing lightbulbs, so they’d have to consider that I was doing it for, well, me.
(Wow. I am honestly amazed at the chorus of ugly words that started howling through my head as I typed that. Talk about conditioning.)
Also, where H could be seen as gracious and tolerant for ‘letting’ me have my cute little relationship with another woman (not to mention ‘lucky’ by some definition because the idea that he wouldn’t have sexual access to my girlfriend is too bizarre to consider), it is unlikely that he would be seen as anything but weird and possibly insane for standing by while I got involved with another man. The way I see it, that is because, au fond, women still are considered property and men are considered owners. No matter how ‘equal’ and ‘modern’ your relationship or you yourself may be, no matter whose name you take or don’t take, who does the cooking or the cleaning, who earns more, who takes care of the kids, etc., when you get right down to it, the wife is still considered the husband’s property. Oh the husband may ‘belong’ to the wife too in some ways, but really it’s only because he allows it. If he really wanted to, he could put her right back in her place, and we all know where that is.
All these assumptions make it even more difficult to explain that some of us resist the trope right down to its roots. Yes H and I are married and yes that gives us certain benefits and perks that make our lives more comfortable, but outside of that, our relationship is ours. Before I got married, my father asked me why I would willingly enter into a relationship that was inherently unequal, and I replied that it was because I knew it wouldn’t be. He was skeptical and, to be honest, I was a lot more unsure than I let on, but hey, we did it. Our relationship is our own. Neither of us falls neatly into the category of ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ other than legally, and H generally avoids using the terms when he talks about us – in fact, I tend to use the former far more than he does. And our relationship happens to have grown to the point where it can accommodate my involvement with other people without that involvement threatening my relationship with H.
But while I’m secure in my relationships and in what I’m doing, I hate the idea of H being thought of badly. I know, I know. It’s the people who would do that who have the problem, not me or H (or A or M, for that matter), but it’s still hard to stomach. I also know that it hasn’t happened yet and I am probably not giving his friends enough credit, either, painting them as some kind of knuckle-dragging medieval ogres (preemptive strike, anyone?). And yet here I am tying myself up into knots over it just the same.
Chuckle June 30, 2008
The things you say at poly gatherings. M had brought her boyfriend O and his primary N along to a poly evening that we attended together. A arrived a little after us and M and I were talking to someone else when he walked in. O was standing by the door and recognized A from pictures, so extended a warm greeting. A however did not know O and so, when “I’m O” didn’t spark anything, O added “You know. Araliya’s M’s O?”, which cleared things up immediately.
Other overheards:
“Oh that’s X. He dated my boyfriend a few years ago but then decided he was straight for a while and broke it off and started dating my ex-girlfriend but that’s over because he’s come out again, but as gay this time. Be nice to him.”
“My lover’s so disorganized I have to check his schedule with his wife when I want see him.”
“Hi! I believe I’m your girlfriend’s girlfriend’s boyfriend’s girlfriend.”
Delhi Queer Pride 2008 June 20, 2008
From Mortar and Pestle:
This June, for the first time, Queer Pride celebrations will erupt on the streets of Delhi, alongside simultaneous marches in Kolkata and Bangalore!
Queer Pride is a celebration. It is about loving who we are, whether lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, hijra or straight, and affirming everyone’s right to be respected for their own sexual choices.
This year, queer people, friends, and allies take this message to the streets!
5:30pm
Regal Cinema, CP
Sunday, June 29thWe’ll gather at Regal Cinema on the CP Outer Circle, then parade our pride along the Inner Circle, through Central Park, down Janpath and right to Jantar Mantar, where we will have celebrating, singing, speeches and a candlelight vigil.
*cheering*
This is huge. As far as I know, nothing like it has happened in South Asia before and the silence around queer issues there is profound. There’s a staggering amount of cultural conditioning and baggage that needs to be cast aside to even think of doing something like this. I no longer live in Delhi so won’t be able to participate, but I’ll be following events with great interest and hoping for the best for all who attend.
Trundling along June 3, 2008
This week will mark my first month of active non-monogamy and it’s all been going rather well. The only even slightly negative aspect of all of this is finding enough hours in the week to accommodate everyone’s schedules. Naturally enough, it doesn’t remain completely balanced week to week, but I think it’s evened out pretty well at the end of the month.
I am still dating M, the woman I mentioned in my earlier post, and at some point we’re trying to get our partners (and, where applicable, their partners) together so everyone can say hello to each other. That promises to be something of an organizational minefield, so we may have to go ahead without some of the partners in attendance or just meet in smaller groups. It should be interesting, at any rate.
And I may have someone new to add to the mix, which is what makes me worry about having bitten off more than I can chew. A and I have been getting increasingly close over the past month as well and we’ve gotten to a point where it seems the only thing to do is make things a bit more serious. I have to admit he makes me just a bit giddy and I realize that I’m far more emotionally invested here than I had realized. Initially, I was pretty clear or not wanting to date men at all, but the funny thing is that I still am, and I don’t really feel like I’m contradicting myself. Like H, A doesn’t fit neatly into a gender classification and that makes me think anew of the idea that ultimately a person’s biological sex is no barrier or limitation to attraction. That said, I rarely if ever go for men who act ‘like men’, whatever that means.
Protocols and schedules are the main thing now. And trying to give each relationship as much time as it needs. M is new to poly as well, but her other partner has been poly for quite a long time and is very good about prompting dialog and keeping communication channels open. It’s also really helpful to be able to discuss the difference between monogamous relationships and non-monogamy with someone who’s also only just figuring it out. The difference is easy enough to grasp in theory, but it takes a while for it to sink in when you’ve spent the better part of your life operating under one set of assumptions. There are moments when you catch yourself reacting the way you’ve been conditioned to do in a monogamous setup and it takes a moment to realize what you’re doing, shake it off, and then re-engage. We’re doing pretty well at it so far though, thanks in large part to the support we’re getting from our respective partners and the community as well. I know it’s not likely to stay are rosy as this indefinitely and everyone will have ups and downs, but it helps to know that there are other people around who know this and are willing to offer a hand or a shoulder, as needed. At the moment, I just feel incredibly lucky and happy.
Jenny’s Open Book April 23, 2008
Writer and journalist (and wonderfully supportive, positive person) Jenny Block has a new book coming out in June called Open: Love, Sex & Life in an Open Marriage (Seal Press, 2008). According to her website, in her book,
Block explores the nature of the open relationship, why it works for her, why it makes sense for her and her husband, and why it makes so many people uncomfortable. This is not a memoir of cheating and regret, nor is it a glorification or cure-all. It’s a frank discussion of a practice that’s more common and popular than most people are willing to acknowledge. Open also touches upon swinging (which Block doesn’t do), polyamory (she is currently in a polyamorous situation with her existing relationships), and the various ways in which open marriage works for different couples.
One of the quotes on her website also points out that Jenny is part of only a minuscule group of women who write about their sexuality under their own names. While it is sad that so many of us even in the blogging world (myself included) find it necessary to shield ourselves behind pseudonyms, I am glad that there are people like Jenny out there who have the guts (and the freedom) to lay claim to their own stories, good or bad.
The first chapter of the book is available as a PDF here. I read it recently and had to stop halfway through to go tell Jenny how spot-on I thought she was in her analysis of the conflicting messages imparted to girls. The way she does it is wonderful as well. She uses her own story extensively – the book is, after all, about her own experience – but she relates it to the larger experience of growing up female in a certain strata of society (in global terms). In doing that, she nevertheless avoids solipsism and turns out what I think will prove to be an extremely relevant exploration of a subject that, as her website points out, everyone seems to think about but nobody actually addresses head on. I, for one, am glad she’s stepped up to the challenge and I look forward to reading her book as soon as it comes out.
I get like this sometimes April 17, 2008
I woke up thinking of her this morning. I was snuggled up with H and we’d been cuddling in the haze that precedes wakefulness. I felt safe and warm and loved and fully aware that it was his arms holding me – nobody else touches or feels like that. There was nowhere else I wanted to be.
But I was thinking of her too. The way she looked last night. The way I caught myself staring a few times. The way my chest constricted whenever I caught her looking back. For the first time, I began to suspect that she may not be straight, but then I shook it off. Obviously, I want to think that and that alone is enough to throw off my gaydar but good. But she’s sweet and friendly and there were moments when we connected and started to approach, but the room was big and people wanted to talk to us about different things so we couldn’t. And then it was time to go and she asked me if I’d be there next time and I said yes, definitely, and she said oh good.
When I got out of bed, I went and re-read Jen’s post on the ‘look’. She says:
…Inside that look a million messages are transferred in a frozen moment in time – but all the messages can be reduced to the exact same thing.
Want.
…want to talk to her, date her, kiss her, possess her, touch her, dance with her, fuck her, drown in her, caress her, make love to her, discover her deepest thoughts and secret dreams…want to know more, to learn what makes her heart beat quicker, to know how she tastes and what she sounds like when she comes…want to hear what she is afraid of, what her favorite TV show is, what she is doing on Saturday night…want her to look back…want her to want in return…
Yes. Exactly. That. All of it.
Jen’s was one of the first blogs I read (from beginning to end) before I started my own. I found her through Mortar and Pestle, another blog that served as inspiration to go ahead and write ‘out loud’, so to speak. I also discovered Melissa Ferrick through her and have spent the whole day listening to her stuff. Just what I needed, really. I’m in no mood to listen to men singing about women and women singing about men. Not today.
It’s funny how familiar the person you’re obsessing over begins to look. I love her face – I’m generally quite happy with the way I look, but she has exactly the kind of face I’ve always wanted/thought was the absolute definition of beauty. I find myself memorizing her expressions, her mannerisms, her voice, repeating them in my head so they’ll stick. I caught myself speaking like her just a while ago. It was a little thing, but it stayed with me.
But it’s the little things that get you. They creep in unnoticed and by the time you become aware of them, there are too many to get rid of and they’re already joining forces, taking over. My head’s full of images. Her laughing, arguing with someone, raising her eyebrows when she’s making a point, asking a question, saying hello, sipping a drink, being nice to someone who’s irritating her, slipping her arms into her jacket, walking away. She looks both strong and fragile. Her voice catches and trembles sometimes. I love watching her wrapping herself up before she steps out about as much as I like watching her peel it off – perhaps more.
I feel vaguely happy today. Vaguely high. I wish I weren’t so easily…what? Distracted (from everything else I should be doing, that is)? Enchanted? Obsessed? I don’t know. But if I’m going to be in this funny state, I suppose I may as well enjoy it while it lasts.
