So I ran into boy-crush while I was with H. We didn’t stop to chat or anything, but after he went by I couldn’t help grinning and asking H what he thought. Kinda like you do when you’re in junior high, you know? Ugh. Anyway. H was rather neutral (but hey that’s better than pointing and laughing) though he did help me identify who BC reminds me of – it’s been bothering me for a while – and, after I pestered him a bit, offered up a few observations. I dropped it after that though the silly grin persisted for a while.
The thing is, I want H to like him. No, not like him exactly, but to ‘approve’. He’s (jokingly) said before that he wouldn’t mind my pursuing BC even though he’s not too thrilled about the idea of other men, which is lovely of him. But I’m not too sure that I actually want to follow through on that. It might be nice – it certainly is in my head! – but even though he makes my knees go all wobbly, I’m a bit irritated by it all. Here I make all this effort to articulate my bisexuality and work out my discomfort with monogamy, putting H through the wringer in the process, and come out the other side with this idea that ok, polyamory and bisexuality are a go, and I go for a man? So what’s this mooning on about women then?
Granted there’s girl-crush and there’s more of a green light there, but this is where my laziness and fear catch up with me. She’s adorable and I’m getting to know her a little bit better, but she knows I’m married so even if she’s a confirmed lesbian (and I have NO idea – my bastard of a gaydar gets seriously compromised when it comes to people I am actually interested in) there’s a lot of work to be done before I can broach the subject with her. At the moment though, it’s at that sweet stage where you know you’d like to spend some more time together but need to meet on neutral territory a few more times before you make that investment. As friends, of course. Which is what makes me feel like a bit of a sneak. Not that I wouldn’t want her as a friend – I would. But, well, you know.
That’s why it would be so much easier with BC. I present as a straight female, so with men in general, the sexual dimension is assumed. There’s a constant looking, asking, assessing in play so – provided nobody shrieks hell no right at the beginning – hang about long enough and it’ll come up. Not so with women. With women, the more time you spend together the less potentially sexual the interaction. Obviously it isn’t impossible for things to heat up, but when the woman you’re lusting after says “Oh wow you’re married, huh?” you kinda feel what little hope you had disappear in a puff of mocking smoke. (I look quite a bit younger than I am, so people also tend to remember that I’m married because of the double take they do when they first find out.) I mean, I couldn’t very well have stood there and stammered out an explanation of how that really needn’t bother her, could I? That would have been awkward. Too much too soon, perhaps? Remember, I don’t even know if she digs women at all. Gah.
I’d really like to make it easier for those interested to identify me as bi, but how, short of wearing a placard, do you do that?