I have a lot of work to do, but this blog and my blogroll have become powerful distractions. I love my research and I have tons to read and write and prepare, but at the moment questions of sex and sexuality, and the expression of both, are uppermost in my mind.
I’m excited about a lot of things, the main one being that I’ve finally said some things that I’ve been needing to say for a long time. To have them received with love and kindness instead of suspicion and negativity is more amazing than I can say. It’s reached the point that I feel a little guilty and even a little stupid about having expected anything less. I’m aware that ‘some’/’other’ people might not be so generous, but they’re not the ones that matter anyway. And in the process, I’ve found and received comments and support from people who have no real reason to go out of their way and be kind but who have done it anyway. It’s entirely too early for a list of thank-yous and it’s a bit of a cliché to be all ‘oh my god I can’t believe anyone’s reading this’ given the givens, but I do appreciate the support, voiced or implied, and the fact that anyone’s reading this does make me grin like a silly thing.
The other thing is that, since I’ve been speaking and writing about this, my relationship with H has changed. I can’t quite say how because we’ve always been very affectionate and have, I don’t doubt, caused more than one person to either smile indulgently or roll their eyes on public transport. We’ve also always discussed who we find attractive or consider fling-worthy (‘flingable’ is our word for it – something about the image cracks me up.), so that’s not new. But suddenly it’s as if we’re even more tuned into each other’s wavelength, even more affectionate (it’s a wonder we can breathe), even more happy. And all because I want to have a relationship with a woman and H is ok with that and I want to talk to people about it and H is ok with that too? Now, I’m not complaining in the least, but, seriously, WTF? Isn’t this supposed to destroy our marriage, ruin our lives, and generally send everything down the toilet?
Ok so that last bit was mostly tongue-in-cheek, but I admit I was afraid I was ‘ruining everything’, though you have to wonder why, given that I was increasingly miserable staying quiet about it. Of course, talking about it and actually going out and acting on it are different things. While I’m ready to wax lyrical about the joys of Sapphic engagement, I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to take the plunge just yet, however physically ready I may be. A lot remains to be seen, worked out, talked through, etc., not just between me and H but also eventually with a hypothetical woman-type person who may or may not want to get involved.
It’s frustrating though. I’m all rarin’ to go, but I can’t do that. I mean, I could in theory, but I like being clear and setting ground rules and finding out what people’s expectations are before I get involved because it generally minimizes complications later. Some people can just wing it, I’m sure, but I prefer not to. Choose your battles, choose your (emotional) investments…something like that.
Oh and the incredibly hot women, especially the incredibly hot gay women I seem to spot just about everywhere I go? Not helping.
I also really like reading other people’s blogs on the subjects of bisexuality, polyamory, coming out and so on and have found several (look blogroll-wards) that have helped me articulate what I do and do not want or think or agree with. In that context, the websites of several bisexual organizations (hm…that would be interesting) have also been very useful. An Australian group, Bi-Victoria, used to put out a newsletter that contains some interesting perspectives on bisexuality and polyamory, as well as other issues. Anne’s Poly Page in the August/September 2007 issue (PDF, 1.2MB, will open in a new window) particularly spoke to me. The June/July 2007 issue (PDF, etc.) has a good article on coming out as bisexual and the issues that can come up with not just the straight but also the gay community, which is something I find interesting and a bit ironic. Everybody is somebody’s weirdo, I guess.
Right, enough with the blogging already. Need to work. And do laundry. Ah, real life.