Ok, so I’m not generally given to emotional outbursts of this nature, but it’s just true. I’ve been wanting to write something on here for a while now but things have been piling up and it’s all a bit of a jumble in my head at the moment. H and I have been doing more talking. Talking is good, particularly because not talking leads to assumptions about the other person’s opinions and emotional state that actually reflect your own feelings, not theirs. I’d been holding back because he’s under a lot of pressure with work and I didn’t want to badger him. He’d been holding back because he knows I’m trying to work things out in my head and he didn’t want to badger me into talking before I was ready.
So once we got over that and agreed to put everything else on hold for a bit while we had our discussion, we ended up going over some old ground as well as venturing into some new territory. It’s important, I think, to cover stuff you’ve already covered – opinions and feelings change with new information after all and it’s good to check that you’re still on the same page. So I asked once again whether he felt pressured into going along with my exploration of the non-monogamy thing, whether he felt slighted or upset or anything by it and was hiding it to avoid making me feel bad about making him feel bad. Yes, we overdo the second-guessing a bit, I realize, but I’d rather backtrack a hundred times than actually hurt him. So I do. Backtrack, that is.
The answer, as before, was no, he wasn’t feeling coerced and that he was in fact proud of me for getting up the guts to finally explore this aspect of myself. He doesn’t think it’s for him personally (though I did point out that, should he want to give it a go, I’d support him too) but he’s ok with me being polyamorous. It’s funny, every time I think I know all the different ways in which H is amazing, I’m surprised by something new and even more amazing. I’m touched that he trusts me like this. This is not the marriage that he envisioned, I know that for sure, but he’s willing to go along with me as I work it into a shape that’s more of a fit for me, which makes me want to ensure that it fits him too. But that he should already trust me to do so is just…well, I’ve already used the word amazing, but that’s what it is.
Speaking of shapes, what we’ve agreed to try on is this: our marriage remains our primary relationship and I can explore and invest in other relationships outside it. That’s very, very general and I wanted to add conditions – such as not staying out all night, not bringing anyone home, prioritizing so that plans with H take precedence over other plans (which isn’t to say that I’d cancel without notice just because he said so, but for planning purposes) , safer sex (which I kind of assume is a given, but still worth articulating in the interest of clarity), always letting him know where I am and being reachable, discussing any new interest with him first to establish boundaries, etc. – but he thought that could wait while I sorted it out in my head first. It’s all hypothetical anyway at this stage and I have no idea how long it’ll be before it actually gets translated into practice.
Then, being evil, he added casually that, should I find myself in a situation with BC where things could get interesting that I should simply text him to say so and then go right ahead. Sounds big of him, huh? Except that, horrible, horrible person that he is, he painted an incredibly cringe-worthy scenario. I can imagine writers of teen romances everywhere wishing they’d come up with it. I shall spare you the gory details but suffice it to say that he made me turn beet red, which is quite an accomplishment as I don’t blush much or easily.
All things considered though, I’m incredibly grateful to be with a man whose response to my fancying other people is to *tease me about it*.