Polyamory, bisexuality and maybe even some atheism

Progress May 8, 2008

I have a few draft posts sitting on here but I haven’t had the time to finish any of them because I have of late actively dipped my toes into the poly dating scene. I’ve met some fabulous people who I’m getting to know slowly, most notably a woman who is at the same general point in her life as I am. So far everyone’s getting along fabulously and H will meet them all shortly, which all involved are actually pretty excited about.

H has also pointed out that we will eventually have to ‘come out’ to our friends and family – at least to those we interact with regularly – which is slightly scary. I do want to do it, but it seems a bit soon. While I’m a lot more comfortable in my own skin lately – noticeably so, according to H – I feel I need more time to figure out how this whole thing’s going to work before I can start telling people who will ask detailed questions about it. It’s one thing to defend polyamory in an academic setting where nobody wants to know what your actual practice is, but it’s another matter entirely to tell your monogamous spouse’s extremely loving and protective family about it. Part of me thinks that there’s no reason to since one doesn’t usually discuss one’s sexual activity with one’s family, but then this other voice pipes up about the whole ‘relationship’. If I’m in a relationship with someone else, clearly they’re important to me and I’d want to include them in my life. That life involves a husband and a family-in-law that I am very close to and fond of. I know, for instance, that if things go well with a particular woman I’m dating, I’d love her to meet H’s sisters because I think they’d get along great. And I’m not going to ask someone to be in a relationship with me but be treated like a dirty little secret – that strikes me as unfair to her and dishonest of me and isn’t all that different from cheating when you think about it (except in this case it’s the in-laws I’m cheating on!).

But it’s early days yet and there’s lots to explore. More than anything else, this whole experience has resulted in some very involved friendships that, regardless of whether they blossom into something more, I am finding extremely rewarding. Who would have thought I’d be thriving on getting to know people?  That’s the bit that surprises me the most. I can now walk into a bar or a party unaccompanied and make my way around the room fairly smoothly. I’ve never been able to do that before. I make plans and actually suggest things and places and activities. I actually tell people I’d like to see them and I then actually follow through on that regardless of how nervous I am, and it actually works. I talk! To people! In real life! All in all, things are pretty damn good at the moment.

Is it any wonder I can’t stop smiling?


2 Responses to “Progress”

  1. Anabel Says:

    Wow, your blog has been such an amazing find for me. I’ve read it from the beginning twice today – and I just enthusiastically sent the link to my husband. I think I’m in a similar place (late twenties, great monogamous hetero marriage to a completely wonderful guy) and I’m kind of drowning in these big questions about monogamy and bisexuality and how to understand them in my own life. You do such a beautiful job of articulating a lot of the thoughts that have been cloudily keeping me awake at night. It’s comforting.

    And I’m so glad to hear that things seem to be unfolding in a beautiful way for you!

  2. Araliya Says:

    I’m delighted that you’ve found something useful in these ramblings, and at the same time it feels so weird that what I’ve written could possibly be helpful to someone else when I often feel so unresolved and new to all of this. I do love feedback though and you’ve just made my day, so thanks. I hope you’ll drop by again. I DO intend to update soon!

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