Frangipani

Polyamory, bisexuality and maybe even some atheism

Poly and newly-marrieds September 5, 2008

Filed under: Monogamy,Polyamory — Araliya @ 1:40 am
Tags: ,

I feel a strange reluctance to talk about polyamory – to even mention it – to people who are about to get married and want to talk to me, the long-married friend, about it. I don’t know what it is. I personally don’t see marriage as the be-all end-all of a relationship. It’s just another optional step along the way as far as I’m concerned. But I suppose I think that marriage is a much more loaded concept for those about to start one than for most other people and I while I’m happy to discuss marriage and poly as ideas with people who are either single or have been married a while, those on the threshhold seem to have a very emotional, almost brittle, relationship with marriage and I don’t want to stress it any further. Which of course could be a complete projection of my own negative feelings towards the institution and ultimately have nothing to do with the almost-marrieds themselves.

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5 Responses to “Poly and newly-marrieds”

  1. Fruit Taster Says:

    When most people decide to marry, I think there is a tremendous amount of romanticism attached to it. You feel like you give yourself whole to your future spouse, that your love is so strong and true, you’re hopeful and blissful.

    And that is how it should be, so I can see that you don’t want to shatter their reverie and paint for them a portrait of that future spouse maybe not being enough to make them happy in the long run!

  2. Araliya Says:

    I don’t know if that’s necessarily how it ‘should’ be, but I do agree that that’s how it is. But see now saying that makes me feel plain old mean. I guess when confronted by happiness, I’d really rather believe it will work out than start going on about what could go wrong.
    Thanks for dropping by, Fruit Taster. I quite like your blog, by the way.

  3. Fruit Taster Says:

    What you said makes me wonder… You would rather believe it will work, so would you say that being polyamorous is a solution for you because being monogamy didn’t work, but if you could have made monogamy work, you would have preferred monogamy?

    Not trying to stir anything. I’m just curious and interested.

  4. Araliya Says:

    Hm… I’ve started and deleted several answers to your question. I think what it boils down to is this: I am polyamorous. Society at large is monogamous. Because of this, I went with the flow and tried on monogamy like everyone else. It didn’t work too well (though the individual relationships I had were more good than not). Then I discovered polyamory and everything that had seemed unsettled and odd in my life clicked into place. I found a community and a way of life that suited what I already was – I didn’t have to change myself to suit it the way I had to do with monogamy.

    I guess what I’m saying is that there is no way to really answer that question because you’re asking me whether I would be happier being what I am not. The only way for that to work would be if I actually were monogamous, in which case the question wouldn’t come up at all.

    That said, socially, of course it would be easier if I were monogamous and straight, but fortunately for me social acceptability has never really been all that high a priority for me. I make concessions, of course – not telling my parents so that I can still have some kind of relationship with them and they with their social circle, for one – but by and large these are things that don’t affect my quality of life too greatly.

    Does that answer your question at all?

  5. Fruit Taster Says:

    Araliya, I’m so sorry for forgetting to check back with this post! It does answer my question. For you polyamore just fits better the person that you are. You didn’t know it at the time that you were trying for monogamy, but now you do.

    This reminds me of the book “Monogamy” by Adam Phillips.


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